Awkward

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged.

Maybe because of that I find blogging seems awkward. Even the word “Awkward” is spelled awkwardly, just saying. I decided that I’ll blog about something awkward and hope that the awkwardness I’m feeling will be reversed by an equally awkward post.

Religion! There’s nothing more awkward than talking about religion.

When I was young, I knew that I have a “dual citizenship” when it comes to religion. I was baptized as Roman Catholic and Aglipay (Aglipayan? Whatev). I was first baptized as an Aglipayan because my father was late on my baptismal day and the Catholic Church then doesn’t allow a fatherless child to be baptized. My mother, who was very determined to have me baptized that day, decided that they try in the Aglipay Church. But sadly, they don’t also allow baptism without the father’s presence. One of my father’s friend decided to cut the crap and pretended to be my father. After the ceremony, my father finally came. He insisted that I should get baptized again with him in the Catholic Church. After that I was pledged to both church.

Up to this day, that’s the story I’m telling when I’m asked about my religion. One thing that I’m thankful of is finding friends doesn’t care about other people’s religion. Don’t get me wrong most of my friends are very religious in nature. They attend their church’s masses or whatever, read the bible and even follow the restrictions mandated by their church to the letter. We even have an Atheist friend.  They learned to respect the fact that some people have different beliefs. That or we just learned not to talk about it at all.

That being said, I didn’t chose my friends to be that way. I have nothing against religious people. The only thing I am against is those religious people who are self-righteous about their belief.

As I am not a religious person myself, I am appalled by some people who claim to have a strong connection with God and yet utters word like “Sana kunin ka na ni Lord” or “Di ka patatawarin ni Lord sa ginagawa mo!”. If you are a religious person, I find it very hard to give my sympathies  to you if you are using the God to smite someone for you or even pass judgement as if you’re God. There’s this one time when someone was eating a adobo rice and I was eating pork adobo on  lenten. He told me that I’m committing a grave sin. I told him it was the only thing I could eat off their menu and besides his rice also has meat in it. He told me God would forgive him because there’s only few meat in it (implying that I would be forsaken since I ate a stupendous amount of meat). I said “I now baptized you as fish” to my adobo, and proceeded to eat. I know it’s not that elegant, I could have told him to just fuck off but I digress.

When our neighbor changed their religion, I asked my father the reason behind it. I told him to change our religion too because maybe being a catholic is doesn’t bring that much pizzazz. He told me that religion is meant to guide people closer to God. Being closer to God implies that we must act according to His teachings in order to become a good human being. “Does that mean that Catholics doesn’t  make good human beings, since they’ve changed theirs” I asked him. He told me that, people have different questions, therefore needs different answers.

I’m kidding, that conversation never took place. I only asked why he chose to be a catholic and if my neighbor’s new religion is better than our. My father told me that:

“Mas okay katoliko, di sila masyadong demanding. Kung napapabuti sila, naging mabuting tao sila, di okay din religion nila.”

And thus ending the awkwardness…

Break-up Blues

You will never know the time when your dog will die on you, no matter how retarded he is. No matter how many plastics he has eaten in days because you forgot to feed him. No matter how many times your pet cat scratch those exposed gonads of him because he thought the cat was his puppy. You just don’t, because for you, he is invincible. Besides, no one in his right mind will think his dog will die on him anytime because if that’s the case, you will never thought of having a dog in the first place. Except if you’re a masochistic son of an asshat, then dwelling in every melancholic scene is dreamland for you, EMO freak. Okay, I’ll stop the dog analogy.

Relationship also has the same kind of unknown entity enveloping it from the beginning to its end. There’s no glowing aura that tells you he is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life. No Gary Valenciano singing in the background that will give you a hint that he’s the person that will make you happy. There’s no My Chemical Romance playing to tell you that he’s fucking cheating you or he plans to marry when he’s 75 and have 10 kids after the wedding. There’s just NO CLUE at all.

Now, here’s comes the cheesy line. No matter how strong the relationship is, there’s nothing cheesy about it when it ends.

Deafening silence reigns. You feel like you’re entering inferno as Dante describes it.

How does it end? When it starts, I say.

When we chose to love someone for a reason and didn’t get to love the person. Bonds between lovers will collapse.

When we pretend to be someone we’re not. Cracks will be visible because of lies.

The moment we TRY to love, will be the moment the gap widens.

It’s neither the petty things lovers did nor the big arguments that they had. It all boils down to the foundation of the relationship.

We patch relationships up by giving a part of ourselves. By giving a part of us, we lose something essential, something important, and something which defines us. Eventually, lovers will fall apart, not the relationship itself but the characters that were portraying in that tragic play. No one will be there to mend it.

Great relationship happens not when two characters try to make it great but when each of them gives the other character support. Each of them mindful about the other’s needs and wants.

If it’s only the relationship and companionship you want, you’ll lose it before it even starts.

Bottom line of the story? Don’t mix cats and dogs as pets because they’ll only kill each other. Why kill each other? Only God can explain.

My Significant Other’s Words of Wisdom Regarding Shit

Talking about shit (or poo or crap or dump or whatever) can be really gross and might induce vomiting especially if you’re not accustom to reading conversation that concerns it. If you’re that kind, please stop reading.

Like I’ve said, it is really gross to talk with anyone. I have this mindset that if I can’t talk about shit with you, we’re not really that close. Maybe we’re just pretending to be close or chances are, I don’t really like you at all.

For me, that theory also applies to relationship. I mean, you can’t be with someone you’re too ashamed to talk about something natural yet gross right? Because if that’s the case then you can’t talk about other shameful things with him (or her) that might result to miscommunation therefore the big B (Breakup, stupid).

Fortunately, I can talk about anything with the Significant Other. We’ve been close friends for years and it quite comes naturally to us. Like weird natural because our conversations almost revolves around shameful, gross, creepy and stupid habits or things we did in our past.

Unfortunately, the boyfriend has quite a lot of things going on with him about shit like:

Phone conversation:
ME: Ling, natatae yata ako.
SO: Eh di tumae ka. Bakit ka ba nagsasabi? Eto!
ME: Sabi ko yata lang
SO: Kung tatae ka dapat tumae ka. Kailangan pa bang sabihin yun?
ME: Bakit parang me echo?
SO: Tumatae ako eh.  Bahoo!

Text Conversation:
ME: Hindi pa ako natatae. 3 days na.
SO: Normal yun. Alangan namang tae ka ng tae.
ME: Hindi dati natatae ako araw araw. Minsan nga isipin ko lang natatae na ako.
SO: Eh di isipin mo ng isipin nang matae ka. Gawa mo na lang me ng design ng website.
ME: Cge.
SO: Wag lang violet ha?
ME: Oo na.
SO: Ano naisip mo na?
ME: Ang bilis naman ang hirap kaya magisip nun.
SO: Iisipin mo lang na matatae ka, mahirap ba yun???????

During a date:

ME: Panis na yata yung buko. Parang natatae ako.
SO: Pigilin mo muna, kaya mo yan
ME: Parang hindi ko na kaya.
SO: Ganito na lang nood na lang tayo ng sine.
ME: Para hindi ko maisip na natatae ako?
SO: Hindi, para walang tao sa CR. Kasi bihira lang macr ang tao pag nasa sinehan.
ME: Adik ka ba? Nakakahiya kaya yun.
SO: Okay lang yun pipili tayo ng palabas na korny tapos gitna na. Ano? Tara lets bagets.

True enough, no one’s inside the comfort when we went in. But I didn’t took a dump. No! Really! I didn’t!

First Aphasia, Now Amnesia

Everybody at some point in their lives experienced temporary memory loss. Like perhaps forgetting where you have left some of your money or cellphone or other things. Do you know that keys ranked as the most forgettable thing in the history of mankind? No? I bet since I’ve only invented that up.

This story is about how I forgot my keys at the office. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny, asshole.

Instead of securing my stuff before leaving the office I have decided to copy my work in this laptop of mine with the intention of doing my job at my house. But we all know that THAT IDEA only comes true in a utopian world because the moment I’ve reached my house is the moment I will slump on my bed to get some sleep, yes in my undies and no you can’t imagine it because aside from being a perverted human being it is also a awful thing to imagine. That preoccupied my mind during my last minutes in the office and the moment my boyfriend texted he’s already in C5 (we decided to see each other in megamall because we won’t be able to see each other this Friday which is our date day), I, a moronic individual panicked and rushed off without checking my things.

I could crash at the boyfriend’s house or my friend’s house you say. Thing is, I’ve noticed I don’t have the key with me when I’m already at my doorstep. I’ve tried waking the landlord up and no; they didn’t save me from sleeping on the streets.

Where am I right now? Here… at a cheap motel spending my night alone with couples having sex next door. No, I don’t think there’s a couple next door because the receptionist is more than delighted to see me enter the motel’s premises like I was lost or something and they even wanted to rent a band to make me stay.

For 350 pesos overnight, I got a creepy empty room (same as my room) only air conditioned, bed with clean sheets, two pillows, a television with cable channels and a busted remote control… well I think it’s worth leaving the key. I could definitely use some rest.

New Year Post

Another year has gone by and so far I’ve been blogging for two years straight now. I’ll go back to the shits I’ve been through last year and what my plans are for this year.

Rewind:

As I have reviewed from my old posts, the first quarter of my 2007 is spent broken-hearted and clinically depressed. I’ve been heart-broken because I saw the she-devil AKA “recent love” with my close-friend on a pyrotechnics show last year (January 4). To start my year right, I’ve decided to enroll in a gym and lose weight in the process to rebuild my destroyed soul because of a broken heart. Okay, I’m just joking about the soul thing, I’ve had decided to work out for one reason, to keep myself busy.

During the second quarter I’ve been successful in losing 40 extra pounds of weight. I don’t know if it’s from being emotional and suicidal most of the time or because of the gym but it’s a major accomplishment.

I and the asshole-who-broke-my-heart crossed each other’s path again because the SHE broke her heart (or as the asshole-who-broke-my-heart tried to rephrase it, he decided to dropped the idea of chasing her because she’s into OPTIONS when it comes to LOVING someone, and the asshole-who-broke-my-heart feels that I’m the BEST option).

It was in the third quarter of 2007 when I started gaining weight. Why? I’ve changed into a job that is less strenuous than the other and is more rewarding that enables me to buy things that I want. Also, the asshole-who-broke-my-heart became the-love-that-was-lost-and-returned-to-make-me-happy-than-ever.

As the year approaches to its end, I’ve managed to let pick pockets steal my nice wallet with my money and my precious iPod. I also spent my new year away from home and then figured that its quite lonely to spend the last day of the year without your immediate family.

Fast Forward

I’m planning to work out again this year, not only to lose weight but also because I find myself these days blogging about the-love-that-was-lost-and-returned-to-make-me-happy-than-ever. Yes, I love him that much but it only proves that I have no other social life than him. I’m confined in a world consisting of him and me. Which is not so good considering I’m past my quarter life crisis - whatever, we just both need some fun out in the sun.

I also need to save some money so I can finally buy a KARRR. I need one. I need it because jeepney drivers here sucks and public transportation is really not for me, not because I’m Miss High and Mighty but because I’m so stupid that I may end losing every I have because of thieves in this crazy third world country of ours. I know of all my plans, this one will go straight to the garbage can.

I need to get back my old personality because I’m always grumpy these days. I need to enjoy my life. I need to get laid. I’m kidding about the last part wokey.

Oh yeah… before I forgot. I really need to quit smoking this year. Sad sad new year. Sad sad new year no smoking. huhuhuhu.

Google Entertainment

One thing about me is that I am unable to do my task if I can’t think of the whole scenario in my mind. I’m currently working on a scheduling module and spending my office hours doing nothing but the fact of the matter is, I’m thinking. I’m thinking about the whole stuff so when I started to work, I can finish it in a couple of hours instead of days.

But the thing is for a three day task, I will spend two days just ogling at the internet searching nothing in particular. In order to stimulate my mind, I must entertain myself… in a non-sexual way of course.

Google is a friend for office internet junkies. For one thing, it’ll never be blocked in your office for it’s a search engine. The reason for having internet is to search ideas, technologies and other whatnots that you tell your bosses.

So here’s what I do to perk me up:

  1. First thing is to type my name on Google to see how famous I am on the search engine.
    1. There’s another person having the same name that lived in San Pablo and worked in Taiwan. Friendster profile.
    2. Another person (aside from a) who is a foreign service officer.
    3. Another person is a wedding coordinator.
    4. Okay it’s me.
    5. A teacher probably because she’s in the LET board passer list.
  2. Type boyfriend’s name and see the results
    1. You will discover that there’s plenty of person having that name
    2. And you’ve gone thru 10 pages without finding your boyfriend.
  3. You will type your boyfriend’s psuedoname
    1. You will see his testimonials to other people.

      Sample:

      Si mam [-------- ] hehehe mabait yan, maganda, mabait, maganda, mabait and did i said na maganda cya hehehe, nakakatagal nga sya sa mga korni ko na jokes, kaya nga labs na labs ko yan, sana hnd na cya magalit sa akin… ingats lagi mwuah…

    2. You’ll die laughing of how corny he is and makes you fall in love with him again.

See, Google is entertainment re-defined for those who have limited resource like me. And I hope he don’t mind posting that scrap of a note in here. And I ho[e he doesn’t get to read this. Mostly, I hope SHE doesn’t get to read this. :D

The Ultimate Shitty Meal of my Life … So Far

Hate Robbers? Me, too. Being robbed is like eating a shitty meal brought in on those long flights, it is so shitty but you still eat it because you can’t jump out of the plane to buy some jollibee happy meal. Those miniscule almost poisonous food is almost like shit travelling from your tongue carefully tingling those taste buds so it can send messages to your brain of how shitty  the meal is. THE ULTIMATE SHITTY MEAL OF YOUR LIFE…. SO FUCKING FAR. Did I get my point straight? I hate them so much.

I hate them so much that I want to tie them balls into knots, cut it and feed them to dogs.

I hate them so much that I want inject them with ebola virus or let them suffer from sore eyes in three months.

Why rob someone who is sleeping and snoring heavily inside the bus because she did some major dramatic lines to his boyfriend before watching hitman.

Why rob me?

and most of all…

WHY the hell rob me of my iPOD!!!!!!

Sana mabaog siya. Sana lang.

I am so gonna whine about this all month.