Break-up Blues

You will never know the time when your dog will die on you, no matter how retarded he is. No matter how many plastics he has eaten in days because you forgot to feed him. No matter how many times your pet cat scratch those exposed gonads of him because he thought the cat was his puppy. You just don’t, because for you, he is invincible. Besides, no one in his right mind will think his dog will die on him anytime because if that’s the case, you will never thought of having a dog in the first place. Except if you’re a masochistic son of an asshat, then dwelling in every melancholic scene is dreamland for you, EMO freak. Okay, I’ll stop the dog analogy.

Relationship also has the same kind of unknown entity enveloping it from the beginning to its end. There’s no glowing aura that tells you he is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life. No Gary Valenciano singing in the background that will give you a hint that he’s the person that will make you happy. There’s no My Chemical Romance playing to tell you that he’s fucking cheating you or he plans to marry when he’s 75 and have 10 kids after the wedding. There’s just NO CLUE at all.

Now, here’s comes the cheesy line. No matter how strong the relationship is, there’s nothing cheesy about it when it ends.

Deafening silence reigns. You feel like you’re entering inferno as Dante describes it.

How does it end? When it starts, I say.

When we chose to love someone for a reason and didn’t get to love the person. Bonds between lovers will collapse.

When we pretend to be someone we’re not. Cracks will be visible because of lies.

The moment we TRY to love, will be the moment the gap widens.

It’s neither the petty things lovers did nor the big arguments that they had. It all boils down to the foundation of the relationship.

We patch relationships up by giving a part of ourselves. By giving a part of us, we lose something essential, something important, and something which defines us. Eventually, lovers will fall apart, not the relationship itself but the characters that were portraying in that tragic play. No one will be there to mend it.

Great relationship happens not when two characters try to make it great but when each of them gives the other character support. Each of them mindful about the other’s needs and wants.

If it’s only the relationship and companionship you want, you’ll lose it before it even starts.

Bottom line of the story? Don’t mix cats and dogs as pets because they’ll only kill each other. Why kill each other? Only God can explain.

Google Entertainment

One thing about me is that I am unable to do my task if I can’t think of the whole scenario in my mind. I’m currently working on a scheduling module and spending my office hours doing nothing but the fact of the matter is, I’m thinking. I’m thinking about the whole stuff so when I started to work, I can finish it in a couple of hours instead of days.

But the thing is for a three day task, I will spend two days just ogling at the internet searching nothing in particular. In order to stimulate my mind, I must entertain myself… in a non-sexual way of course.

Google is a friend for office internet junkies. For one thing, it’ll never be blocked in your office for it’s a search engine. The reason for having internet is to search ideas, technologies and other whatnots that you tell your bosses.

So here’s what I do to perk me up:

1. First thing is to type my name on Google to see how famous I am on the search engine.
   1. There’s another person having the same name that lived in San Pablo and worked in Taiwan. Friendster profile.
   2. Another person (aside from a) who is a foreign service officer.
   3. Another person is a wedding coordinator.
   4. Okay it’s me.
   5. A teacher probably because she’s in the LET board passer list.
2. Type boyfriend’s name and see the results
   1. You will discover that there’s plenty of person having that name
   2. And you’ve gone thru 10 pages without finding your boyfriend.
3. You will type your boyfriend’s psuedoname
   1. You will see his testimonials to other people.

      Sample:

      Si mam [-------- ] hehehe mabait yan, maganda, mabait, maganda, mabait and did i said na maganda cya hehehe, nakakatagal nga sya sa mga korni ko na jokes, kaya nga labs na labs ko yan, sana hnd na cya magalit sa akin… ingats lagi mwuah…
      

   2. You’ll die laughing of how corny he is and makes you fall in love with him again.

See, Google is entertainment re-defined for those who have limited resource like me. And I hope he don’t mind posting that scrap of a note in here. And I ho[e he doesn’t get to read this. Mostly, I hope SHE doesn’t get to read this.

What’s in it for us?

I was mad. Not because you did something wrong. I was mad because… I’m scared. Yoda was right… fear leads to anger. I’m scared that I might lose this thing that is going on between us.

While I was busy tinkering with my computer, I totally forgot about you. Yes it hit me that I have a boyfriend who’s busy working and might be thinking about me. Then I checked my phone. Nothing. Heck maybe you ran out of battery AGAIN.

 I made a video for you. I made it early because I don’t want to forget it like I did last month. I was busy. When I checked my phone. Nothing. Then scary thoughts ran to my mind. What if your dating that girl again? What if the reason why you’re not trying to contact me was because you want to get rid of me? But you assured me last time that there’s no need to think about things like that. I dismiss the thought. After an hour, you texted me. Then I replied. Then you didn’t. Then I called, after 3 tries I finally got into you. I can feel how tired you are. I can feel that you’re just trying to communicate. Even our service provider was in our way, they didn’t deliver my messages to you. You told me you’re going to sleep for I didn’t reply. I tried calling you all night. Knowing that you’re phone is on silent mode but hoping that you’ll take a glimpse on your phone, find that I’ve been calling you and just like in the movies you’ll call me and we’ll cry. Fuck that. I got tired, and started sending you those messages that will surely hurt you.

 Only, I felt guilty again afterwards.

I was guilty of forgetting about you, but it’s scary that you don’t give a fuck that I do. It was scary that you ALSO forget that I’m part of your world.

My last relationship ended because I was busy in my little world and excluded him in my life. Then he got tired of trying to puncture the shield that I build between us. He got tired but still tried, and then I realize that I was being unfair to him.

 Now, as I continously tried to poke into your world, I’m just wondering… what’s in it for us? 

Make Me Bad

I’ve been thinking a lot of things. One of which is to change the title of this blog to “Disturbing thoughts when living alone”. It makes no sense for the original title of the blog is still in there only I’ve lengthen it to justify the nature of the contents to my personal whining about the joys of living alone. I was being sarcastic.

For those of you, who are still living with their parents, kiss them for me. Kiss them and tell them you love them. You love them despite of their UNEQUAL treatment among their kids, endless blabber of things that happened ten years ago and of course the topic for all season, how you are on the road to messing/already mess up/messing up your life. For it is a great joy compare to cleaning your mess, paying up bills, cooking for yourself, and talking to yourself through your word processor.

I am the rise and fall of my salvation
There’s so much shit around me
Such a lack of compassion

I’m talking with my word processor with myself. This is justifiable for I don’t want my neighbor to call the cops or a mental institution and report a quarter aged girl talking to herself in her apartment. I barely have choices. I don’t want to disturb my friends who have their own shit to attend to. I’m tired of talking to my officemates whom I talked to 8 hours a day.I’m tired of arguing with my boyfriend that I am more important than his ps2. When we’re just friends I’m not bothered by the fact that he will choose the ps2 game over me anytime, anyday, it is a fact and should be understood by anyone without a mum. I mean he’s a guy, he’s tired and the last thing he wants to do is listen to my voice. But commitment gives you this screwed viewpoint that both parties SHOULD be available in case one of them needs the other. I should have sticked to the ps2 over me anytime idea and talk to my word processor immediately instead of trying to instill some … Fuck. Did I just have gotten jealous over the Persona 3 DVD game I gave him? Whatta pathetic person I turned out to be.

I feel the reason as it’s leaving me
No, not again
It’s quite deceiving
As I’m feeling the flesh makes me bad

Let me warn you about this shit hole I’m currently in. Although living alone is really great and fulfilling, it is one crappy idea once you’re feeling down about everything. Because no one is there to pick your mood up and instead it’s dragged down by your chores.

I thought it will be all fun and games
But instead it was the same
I want something to do …

But of course this me speaking in behalf of Jonathan Davis. Thank God for someone like you, dear Jonathan. Thank God. But yeah me tired of being emo so let me change the song.

I’m way to cool for ya boy
That’s why it’ll never work
I have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over.

Wait. THAT.IS.SO.NOT.ME… I guess at this moment of my life, I just don’t know ME anymore. I did an inventory of my clothes and discovered that my mostly black shirts has been dominated by… dun dunn dunnnnn… pink. Yes, most of my clothes are now pink. Half of them. Half. Shit. I’m turning into a chick. Yeah I want to whine because that’s what chicks do. I do want to feel like a chick every once and a while.

The Saturday Fever

 

Ever wonder what this cat felt like because it’s Saturday. I was feeling the same thing this morning. It’s Saturday and all I have to do is lie down, fix my things, take a bath and go home in laguna. Okay, so Saturday is still busy.

Coming from Cainta, it will be closer if I take the Rizal route rather than go to Buendia to take the SLEX. I know nobody trust me when it comes to directions but hey any moran can interpret this map:

The only problem with taking the Rizal route is that I have to take puj’s instead of bus. And … I’ll be taking the suburbian route. Which means my co-passengers is any of the following:
a. Someone with live chicken with them that will trigger my allergy.
b. A mom whose kid is going haywire and throwing up every other minute or so.
c. Perverted, sweaty assholes.

Before I start with my daily whine, I would like everybody to know that I KNOW that I am not Ms. Catherine Zeta Jones or Ms. Angelina Jolie. I don’t think I am Kristine Hermosa nor Angel Locsin. I still think I am Jessica Zafra and men find me interesting because of my personality and almost always likes me to be their friend instead of being their special someone.

There, I hope I made myself clear.

I was inside the jeep bound to siniloan (please see map above, if not visible then use google map) when this stupid guy keeps extending his elbow on my legs. Again, I know I am not beautiful nor sexy but hell I can recognize when someone is desperately trying to pretend he is sleeping so he can feel my legs. Which is quite understable (but still not forgivable) if I’m wearing a skirt but the asshat’s lowly dream is touching my maong pants. Now I will only tolerate such act of disrespect if the perpetrator is Jay Manalo but since it’s someone who looks like those goons in filipino movies who gets beaten by Fernando Poe,. I immediately hit him with my elbow. But I guess some fucktard are born with a face as thic as the length of the great wall of china.

Beside that incident, I’ve had two marriage proposals this week. Both by drivers. Drivers who doesn’t take baths before travelling. Smelly Drivers who are 20 years my senior. Old drivers whose monthly salary is only half of my gross. Again these people surely hits every female species who happens to ride in front.

Seriously, how many women in the philippines alone encounters such harassment in their daily lives. How of them entertains every shitface individual who doesn’t know how to respect woman. Should I stop taking jeepney? Should I start being an assasin and stop this nonsense? Should I study in hogwarts then?

No. I promised not to think of stupid thoughts nowadays.

Pervert Heaven

Imagine yourself, your first month in your new life being torn down by the bus being jinxed by your estranged ex to stop in the middle of the express way. Things will get better you say. Things will definitely get better.

9:00 a.m. is fast approaching. You’re still in Paranaque, the haven of all late vehicles trying to catch the last second the fifteen minute grace period that all Makati offices offered. You know you are in deep shit because you can smell it right below your nose.

You decided to end your close encounter with a heart attack offered by all stupid drivers who have decided to overtake the bus you are currently boarding. You hailed a taxi and that’s where it all happens…

Life in Wonderland

I have been into dreamland for the past few weeks. Wandering in the land of all things wonderful, flowery and thriving with orgasmic scent. The reason is that I am in love. Cheese is all over the floors of my brain attracting maggots that eventually turned into flies and ate my brain.

However, things dragged me back into my real world and woke up the disturbing thoughts that have been in hiatus for a while now. One of which is admitting that: Living alone sucks big hairy balls with nasty fungal infection.

I know, it’s the opposite of what I have been saying, let’s just blame it to the recent increase in my seratonin level because of my lovely and sweet beau. It dropped because we’re both too busy to entertain each other. I woke up in garbage land. As much as I want to organize my life by now, I can’t for I am still actively participating in two ghastly worlds teeming with everything you hate about living. That last sentence I can’t explain any further, perhaps, next week.

Arguments Part II

Truth… I hate arguments because I am never good at it. Yes, I have the capability to piss anyone off by my trash talks but no, I cannot defend my right as a human being. I will always concede, say sorry even eat shit, just don’t make me explain myself.

Pride never worries me. Yhep ladies and gentlemen I am one human being who doesn’t take pride in anything I’ve done, I’m not even proud of myself. So I say sorry all the time and it doesn’t matter if I have vindicated my own accuser by having to surrender. If I know I’m right I don’t need justification from others, if I’m wrong it’s the right thing to do.

Living Alone

Yesterday, I and my close bud/fatherly figure/sex guru/boy bastos equivalent/too many slashes to mention friend have dinner together. Actually, I asked him to help me with my problem but it seems that it can’t be helped as of the moment so we decided to eat instead.

It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. We talked about my lovelife and his lovelife. Turns out, he is more fucked up than I am. Hahahahaha. Gooooddd efffiiinnnn times. But that is… as of the moment.

Untitled

Upon seeing Mickey of PBB last night, I blurted out:

Paglabas niyan sa bahay papakasalan ko na yan.

Then my housemate told me that:

Di ba dapat tinatanong mo muna kung papakasalan ka ba ni Mickey paglabas mo. Kasi di ba mas maganda yun. Kesa yung ikaw yung humahabol.

As I have previously said in my other blog, he is the captain of all never ending arguments between things that don’t really matter. I said:

I was trying to sound absurd, you know in order to be funny. If I will say the right things then I would sound like an emo bitch here.

That’s not exactly what I’ve told him but something to that effect.

This is not about Mickey. He’s cute but hey, I would rather stay at home and sleep than watch him get out of the house much more offer him to marry me. Sino siya si Jay Manalo? Kamusta naman yun di ba?

No really. People have been branding me as a perverted individual because of what I have been posting here. But if you happen to meet me in person… so, yeah most of my jokes are bathroom humour and green in color but hey! I wouldn’t jump in front of anyone and give them free blowjobs and sex just because!