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They say superman is not really brave. You can’t be brave knowing you’re indestructible…

Echoes of our past may come louder than what we’ve expected. I know I just heard mine awhile ago. When I finally convinced myself that I have surpassed the feeling I have had, the wall suddenly crumbled when I read those sentences.

You’re trying to brag about the world that I’ve failed to be a part of. I am hoping though, that you’ll stop reminding me about the place where I was hurt, beaten and drowned in my own tears.

Here I am again, trying to ponder the reasons behind those flashings of insipid activities you’re planning to do. Really, hasn’t it occurred to you that you’re hurting me? Are you just plain insensitive?

Maybe you’re thinking that the reasons were obvious. If that’s the case, then I find it ironic that you’re conveying your message in a subtle manner, yet for me, it’s a blatant way of telling me that I will never pass your standards no matter how hard I’ve tried. Or maybe, I’m thinking too much and the truth is, you’re just happy and you want to tell the world about it without knowing that I’m still hurting

I used to think that I’m a coward for using sarcasm and anger to hide what I really feel. But I am brave for letting go inspite of the pain. I am brave for I don’t mind looking back with my heart aching

Sometimes, what makes you brave makes you stupid.

The Sudden Gush of Temper

We all have stupid/weird reactions to certain situations. In my case, I don’t like any disruptions when engaged in a mind boggling activity called “watching my favorite movie/show”. My initial reaction when someone irritates me during those times is being bitchy (I’ll give you 10% of my attention but will eventually say or do things that will certainly piss you off) or worse… I’ll definitely slap you to stop disturbing me. There are few people who have experience my uncontrollable violence and … I’m sorry.

My rationalization for this behavior is that I’ve spent my entire 16 years alone. Well, not actually alone-in-a-deserted-island kinda way but I prefer the company of dust mites in my room than going out with friends. See, while most teenagers beg their parents for approval to go partying, it was my mom who begs my barkada (those who unfortunately run into her on streets) to visit me at our house and ask me to go out ANYWHERE. Maybe my mom thinks I’m a leper who is incapable of calling my friends using our landline, but if anyone bites into my mom’s pleading, rest assured I will offer them free merienda and just watch fight club or some gruesome movie for me to avoid the heat of the sun.

That loving feeling

Clinical Depression is not your ordinary “emo” feeling of being pissed off at somebody and wanting to hurt him badly. It is not the kind of sadness that you will experience after finding out that you’ve spent a fortune over a worthless piece of underwear… okay that’s angst…

Clinical Depression is undergoing serious emotional bouts that can last for the whole month. It is the feeling of sheer emotional sadness that is cause by… nothing. People who have CD faces an enormous battle similar to the film 300, the only difference is, instead of killing off gazillions of people he battles with the one and only cast of his film… himself. Fighting off the thoughts of slitting one’s wrist or jumping off the railway while he sees the train can be really dismenting, especially if it comes to you in flashes every 10 minutes or so. You will fence off the thought by smoking religiously or drinking to gain temporary composure. Having such unstable thoughts can lead to the person’s  inability of concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory. They will behave in a ridiculous manner no matter how obvious the situation is. If you told a person who suffers from CD that he won the lotto… he will surely dismiss the thought or reply in a casual manner. Relatively, people who questions their existence is vulnerable to the feeling of idiocy. They will feel a sense of guilt if they responded badly to a particular event. Therefore, they will have a hard time communing with kindred spirits for the battle can easily be lost once guilt is injected to the person.

CD is not just a matter of vulnerability to problem. Hormonal imbalance is not easily dismissed even if the person only thinks of happy thoughts… Flashes of himself hanged will constantly appear everytime he closes his eyes… It is only in the mind, yes, but it is something that cannot be controlled by will…

Generally, people with CD are not mad with anyone, in fact they feel sorry for making others feel bad. They just don’t want to commune with kindred spirits to control the feeling of guilt, sadness and worthlessness therefore preventing themselves to slit their wrists or someone else’s throat.

Drinking Frenzy and going emo

I have had my last drinking session last friday. Thanks to mahal and ninong rye for drinking with me again. After drinking 2 cases of red horse… I was drunk as hell. Yeah I am that lousy with drinking nowadays. If you’re expecting a totally weird night, no… I didn’t do anything stupid. Well, except for waking up with toothpaste residue on my shirt… nothing weird happened. I think brushing my teeth means I am sane… just drunk… but still sane. Long gone are those days when I can stand drinking up to 6 in the morning and not feel a thing. My drinking habit is screwed up and I have no plans of practicing liver destruction to improve it.

It’s the last week of January and valentine’s just 2 weeks away after that. Fuck… it’s the time of the year when everybody seems to get into my nerves. All of them wishing to receive flowers and chocolates when I am compelled to eat spaghetti to ease the pain of being alone. The closest magical moment I had on valentines is celebrating it with my ex on a bus, that fucktard… and someone giving me sampaguita because the girl selling it was kinda cute and persistent.

Burned Out

I think I really need to check on my health. Well I am having some disturbing thoughts lately and some things makes me cry for no apparent reasons… well for some reasons… but the thing is, it’s not really that serious. I can get so fucking nervous at night that I can’t sleep and when I finally put myself into slumber… I make some freaking noise that tends to wake everybody up… not snoring… i got rid of that when I lessen my food intake… Something more creepy but I don’t know what its called so there….

Epiphany of Craziness Part I:

Just told my housemate that I wasn’t able to take a full meal for the day. This is not part of my “Get rid of your freaking large Food Intake Or You will Blow into a Goddamn Elephant” Thing but I lose my appetite simply because I am so tired. I was texting a couple of people and then I fell asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later with 8 messages… Everybody was asking if I was mad at them…

Me: Hndi me glit. Nk2lg me. Di n kta ntxt. Di pla ako nka2in buong araw.
Friend: Hindi ka nagu2tom?
Me:Hindi naman (Let’s stop the freaking text lingo)… pero inaantok pa rin ako…
Friend: Sabi ni *confidential*, kumain ka daw baka magalit si *name of a person he haven’t met nor seen in flesh and bone so why the hell he’s including him in our conversation and the fact that I WASN’T talking to him makes me annoyed at his remark*

To Jostle Away from One’s Sexuality

These past few days I have been battling with my desire to chase my dreams. I want to be a mature individual and stop the growing angst within me. I want to face the truth and be able to live with it. All the things that I’ve dream about will not come true, unless I’ll be ready to accept reality.

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Things that I’ve learned:

1. Beauty might be in the eyes of the beholder but the truth is, no matter how beatiful you are from the outside they will only see your shortcomings if you don’t know how to befriend others. On the other hand even if you’re not physically gifted, as long as you treat people right and be extra nice to them (give them what they want and smile all the freaking time even if you will have facial cramps), they can’t admit to any people who have ask about how you look that you are in fact the missing link to evolution.

2. The two dangerous combination of being human specie with ovary is having an ugly face that goes with an empty mind. You can have the oppposite of both (like KC Concepcion who is also blessed with a pocket full of money), just one, or the medium dash of the aforementioned ingredient but never have them both, for you will always be the butt of every joke. So for those who have an empty mind, read, for those who have ugly faces, get rich and contact Vicky Belo immediately.

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Just a little rant. Should be the title of beauty contest for gay people “MR. Gay”? I mean, they are still human species with penis right?

More rantings. Nowadays being a homo-sapiens-who-are-capable-of-giving-birth always means competition. You have to compete with your own kind as well as those homo-sapiens-who-just-helps-to-produce-babies that are trying to be like your kind.

So I have been thinking about my sexuality. I always tell other people that I’m better off being a human-with-penis rather that a human-with-ovary/vagina because:

1. I’d rather talk about books, sports and anime rather than discussing what color of lipstick is in and rant about “relationships”.

2. I never argue with the dress that my mom gives to me simply because I hate shopping. I can’t stand it.

3. All pants look the same to me.

4. All cottons looks and feels the same to me. There are no such thing as better cottons (I can hear all the cottons’ applause for me by now)

5.  I never ask for discounts and not buy the dress. Okay, I never ask for discounts… if I’m buying my stuff… Why? I don’t know.

5. My ex-boyfriend talks 10 times more frequent than I do when we fight. Actually, he did all the talking, all I did was cry when I’m tired of listening to him. It always works.

These thoughts makes me want to rethink my sexuality

What Makes My Day

My day usually starts with by being f*cked up with my landlady for not fixing our drainage system. The water that is supposed to be coming out of our faucet is now coming UP from the drain. Maybe I should wait for a few minutes… either for the water to slowly sink back where it should be or maybe for me to swim in, anything will do, for my day is already ruined.

After the swimming session I must now face these people rushing like there’s no tomorrow. I can’t help but think that there’s a big conspiracy I am not aware of. You can see them rushing to the exit like you would get a happy meal if you got to be the first 10 to walk out of MRT. Maybe their getting something… but who cares my day is ruin for it was stomped up by these happy meal driven people.

Then the endless walk just to get to my office… Ahh…. The pain of having to literally carry your feet from ortigas station to emerald avenue with your two inch shoes. I know it’s not that high, well for someone who is used to wearing slip-ons and sneakers it’s like simplifying a complex algebraic expression that will consume a blackboard. And that blackboard, ladies and gentlemen, is the size of a football field. My day is ruined, my feet earns corns.

Demanding work… Time that can be compared to a turtle when you’re so ready to get home and as fast as lightning when you a have a deadline. Do I need to say more?.. who wants to work anyway when your day is ruined.

As I reach Taft Avenue, my feet is begging me to stop walking or it will strangle me or just give up. You have to cook, be patient with your friends, understand, kill any growing anger, understand, be calm, understand and then you feel like you don’t want to go on with your life, you don’t want to wake up, you want to give up, surrender… for your day is ruined and it seems that you can understand others, but never will you understand yourself…. the pieces are slowly falling apart… the light is slowly fading away…

Then suddenly it will struck you that you are still lucky for having a work that is both challenge driven and financially fulfilling. You still have a house that most people don’t have. You have friends that hopefully will be there for you when you need them. You still have shoes. You eat three times a day and have the dough to have the freedom to choose what you want. You still have your family that eventhough you can barely have time with them still takes you as you are. That no matter what they tell you, how hurtful it is, is just a sign that they still care and will always be there for… and that’s what really makes my day.

Mental Notes

Existentialism. The biggest subject I can never explain. You see, if the martians decided to make a fairy dust out of my fragile body… the world will still turn… the sun will still shine… and no one will notice that I have made Peter Pan fly to never never land.

“it’s hard to live your life to the fullest when you don’t know how to fill it”…

There’s always this moment… when I feel that I am only breathing. As quoted from a famous radical poet… “Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breath?”. I love Avril Lavigne.

Maybe I am just being sentimental ( 10% senti and 90% mental), because I am so broke. Weird. But it’s true… I thought I was serious about the existentialism bull crap when it hit me that the reason for my depression right now is me… having no moolah…

So why am I broke?

a. My pride can reach Taipei Tower and even surpass it
b. My compensation is way under my expense
c. I am idiotic when it comes to budgeting my money
d. All of the above

Kris: Ano lhynne? Hindi ka na pwedeng magkamali
Lhynne: D
Kris: Sure ka na ba?
Lhynne: hmmm…… yeah, sure na
Kris: And the correct answer is…. lets show them the picture… LETTER D!

It’s hard. I’ve just realize that it’s not that easy to ask for money …

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My mind is messed up. I am fed up with persons who are so fucking demanding. I, have always tried… even if it means rationalizing a utterly evil deed… to understand others. Why … on the other hand… no one bothers to give me a simple vindication when it comes to my deeds.

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Why does smiling becomes a tedious task when you don’t feel happy but needs to look happy. Why do you need to laugh at jokes compose some ages ago just to temporarily uplift your spirit… Why is it hard to fix a life when fate seems to be destroying it….

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Ang mga tanong na yan ang sasagutin ng ating mga guest sa pagbabalik ng

Kris: Morning Girls…
Korina: With Kris
Kris: And Korina! ahahahahahahahahaha