More Reasons…

Life is not perfect. It is also fucking unfair. It’s full of unnecessary rituals, beliefs and norms that makes life to complicated for you to understand.

Sabi ni Daniel Ng, “Life is simple”.

He’s right. Now, I understand what he meant. When we say, things are less complicated when we’re studying it will not change as we get older. We’ve been through things that made us feel that we’re experienced enough for us to refuse having to conform to things and wanting them to conform us. Which makes us sad when they don’t. 

When we encounter problems, we solve them. Like those unnecessary algebraic equation we encountered in high school and college.

When we don’t understand someone, we try to evaluate them and reason out their behaviour in a way that we can accept their actions. Like those review write-ups we’ve done in high school.

When things don’t go our way. We shrugged our shoulders and go on with our life.

Beliefs complicates things. 

They don’t define us. They just complicate things.

Fuck it. I just need some sleep.

Scariest Shit Ever

I have been planning to live alone for a year now. I just don’t have the guts to do it. Now that the suckiness of my pay has been diminished, I can afford to live by myself. This has nothing to do with the equal suckiness of my housemates. Wait they suck, yes, but everybody does. Their suckiness is way below tolerable. They are entertaining and helpful. But I don’t like that, the helpful part that is, because I will never be able to stand by myself.

Aside from that, I love them. They are the reason why I have had second thoughts about leaving our Big Mama’s House. Even if the goddamn pigeon hole can’t hold us when we are all present or we have pervert neighbors or yes, the effin’ dog that has been bothering me, I still wish to stay with them.

No, I’m not regretting it as of this moment. If I were to choose, I want to get all my things and move out right now, but you see there are still tenants on the apartment.

Trip to Memory Lane

Me: Pare! So cool, like I found our old pictures sa asec, Pare.
Myself: Hijo de ****, really? that’s like gawsh!!!!
Me: Like some of them pare are totally antique!
Myself: I know pare! Some features our jologs days!
Me: Pare, when ka naman ba naging Coño?
Myself: Now! Pare! ay pare Coño nga pala is vagina in english, so it’s kadiri!

I hate you

My psychotic tendency has not been waning as I thought it would after a month. Instead, I am as fucked up as I could be. I still feel blue for no particular reason.

There’s also this strong urge to kick the butt of people who mirrors my retarded views and autistic disposition in life. It seems, whether they did it intentionally or not, that my mistakes are being rubbed in my face. That I am a fucktard. That I should change. That everyone deserves to hate me because I emanate hate myself. That I will never be understood for my character is way beyond the limits of understandable.

So, being a paranoid beyotch is not the greatest thing in the world. Everyone seems to hate you and everything you do seems to be an act of a sociopath. To rationalize everything… these are the things that I think contributes to my insanity:

Procrastination

Procrastination is a powerful tool you need in order to destroy your career, your life and any chance you have of getting laid. I am serious (trying to perhaps) on that line, except for the last scenario which will always be ruined depending on you ability to turn yourself into stone everytime you see the opposite sex.

My dysfunctional ability to react to emergency situations nowadays has been escalated to not being able to think of cerebral ideas to defend myself in the case high intellect inquisitions. In order to prevent problems that may arise from my officemates finding out that I possess a moronic brain that can’t process additions greater than 3 digit numbers or not being able to defend a plan that I have been composing for the past two weeks, I procrastinate, hoping that something on the web might interest me that may wake my emotional and mental powerlessness.

Sadly, procrastination not only dissipated my time… I also find it hard to inject my sentences with any intelligence that it needs. Please see how this paragraph came to be. Yes… it sucks… and yes, you, too reading this entry sucks… everyone sucks.

Right now, I’m subjecting myself to focus my mind on work and avoid delaying any stuff that may cause early termination of my career and making up for the mistakes I have committed in those dark days of mental seizure. In order not to further humiliate myself with another senseless topic like how this entry turn to be. …

[Sorry I can’t think of any witty remarks to end this BS that I’ve just made]

That loving feeling

Clinical Depression is not your ordinary “emo” feeling of being pissed off at somebody and wanting to hurt him badly. It is not the kind of sadness that you will experience after finding out that you’ve spent a fortune over a worthless piece of underwear… okay that’s angst…

Clinical Depression is undergoing serious emotional bouts that can last for the whole month. It is the feeling of sheer emotional sadness that is cause by… nothing. People who have CD faces an enormous battle similar to the film 300, the only difference is, instead of killing off gazillions of people he battles with the one and only cast of his film… himself. Fighting off the thoughts of slitting one’s wrist or jumping off the railway while he sees the train can be really dismenting, especially if it comes to you in flashes every 10 minutes or so. You will fence off the thought by smoking religiously or drinking to gain temporary composure. Having such unstable thoughts can lead to the person’s  inability of concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions or a generalized slowing and obtunding of cognition, including memory. They will behave in a ridiculous manner no matter how obvious the situation is. If you told a person who suffers from CD that he won the lotto… he will surely dismiss the thought or reply in a casual manner. Relatively, people who questions their existence is vulnerable to the feeling of idiocy. They will feel a sense of guilt if they responded badly to a particular event. Therefore, they will have a hard time communing with kindred spirits for the battle can easily be lost once guilt is injected to the person.

CD is not just a matter of vulnerability to problem. Hormonal imbalance is not easily dismissed even if the person only thinks of happy thoughts… Flashes of himself hanged will constantly appear everytime he closes his eyes… It is only in the mind, yes, but it is something that cannot be controlled by will…

Generally, people with CD are not mad with anyone, in fact they feel sorry for making others feel bad. They just don’t want to commune with kindred spirits to control the feeling of guilt, sadness and worthlessness therefore preventing themselves to slit their wrists or someone else’s throat.

Orcish Delight

My First Day in Boxing… yey…  Somehow… I felt like Frodo…

 

As we went inside the ring, I went into a trance. I am God. I suddenly have the urge to hit anybody. For that matter, no one, I mean no one can complain or even ask why I did it. They just have to rationalized my actions and me being god… is unquestionable even if I have no qualified reason for doing such thing. After a minute I was kicked out of that trance when the boxing trainer suddenly said:

Trainer: Right Jab…
Me: *Smiles*
Trainer: May basic training ka na ba ng boxing…
Me: Wala pa po…
Trainer: Naku… sige baba sa ring…

Nightmare. Yes. It was a nightmare, this basic boxing training. My vision of myself came down from being a God to a faggot padawan. I became young Luke Skywalker as Yoda teaches me how to use “the force”. My weaknesses are suddenly out in the open. As Mr. Yoda ask me to use my lightsaber (boxing gloves in this case) to sway it using my left and right hand alternately. Easy as you may say it, but since I was in kindergarden (or maybe earlier than that who knows); I always find it hard to distinguish my left and right without looking at my hand. Mr. Yoda also asked me to keep hitting the center, and as expected I didn’t do well. My joint was messed up by this accident I have had in the second grade, so if I targeted the center area my right hand will hit the left… (Pingkaw ako… huhuhuhu).

After the humiliating training, we went inside the Boxing Ring. My God Complex suddenly returned with the image of this “tagalupa” that I want to hurt badly. The uppercut was one of my favorite. I could turn him into a vegetable in no time. I could make him beg to stop hurting him. The god suddenly turned into a psychopath.

Trainer (on the fifth round): Kaya mo pa?
Me: (*smiles*) oo…
Trainer: Sige baba na sa ring…

Bloody Hell

I decided to push myself to the limit…

But sadly… my body was not prepared for the giant leap of being a sedentary individual to an active cardiovascular-monster person. Blood came out gushing from my nose on my 30 minute run last saturday. (I don’t know what happened… but it freaked me out that I was wasted for the whole day and was hesitant to workout last sunday)

My nose still hurts right now… but the hell…who cares.

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My niece had an operation to fix her heart problem. I was very thankful that she is safe and the energy to ask her mom for her pictures to be taken with her shoes and teddy bear.

One thing about me is that I hate hospitals for it is reeking with “clean” smell that makes you nauseated. I hate hospitals for it reminded me of my life when I was just in kindergarden, when my mom and I have frequent visits to Lungsod ng Kabataan to treat my inflammed lungs. In those days, I will have panic attacks at the sight of a retractable ballpen, thinking with my pristine mind, that it’s a syringe. Yes, I am already experiencing psychosis in those days.

But right after I went there…. I hate it for it mirrors the economic struggle most Pilipinos are undergoing.

There are some patients who died in the O.R. because of complications that have arisen from the delaying operation… the reason of the delay as my cousin tells me is that most of them were opting to have a free (or maybe less expensive) operation by applying for the charity ward. Currently… there are 800 approved charity operations, so even if you get the approval… you still have to wait. Operations for charity are done… sometimes as scarce as one patient a week… three the most. Getting operated also doesn’t mean a 100% chance of success, for you will be operated by interns guided by doctors who doesn’t care if a patient dies on the table for they all signed a waiver.

Cost of operation? Almost half a million. Not even on private room, mind you.

Another patient has a disease called “Kawasaki“. They haven’t left the hospital for a few months now. Not because the doctors can’t treat him, but because they don’t have enough money to pay their hospital bills.

The cost of each treatment… 40K. Enough downpayment for a kawasaki motorcycle.

Sadly, I can do nothing for those poor kids. But sometimes… I’m thinking if thanking God for not making you sick like them is as bad as laughing at someone’s misfortunes.

 

Okat Tokat

Maganda sana kung magkwekwento ako ng nakakatakot sa post na ito. Tipong pang Oka Tokat o kaya Gabi ng Lagim. Kaso tatakutin ko lang ang sarili ko… mananakot pa ako ng iba.

Madami tayong pinaniniwalaan na kababalaghan sa mundong ito. Hindi mo alam kung alin ang imbento lang ng Scientist mong magulang o ikinuwento lang ng magulang nila na naging exaggerated. Scientist kasi mahilig gumawa ng theories at hypothesis based sa reaction ng anak nila. Gaya ni Noli De Castro dati na naging habit na ang takutin ang mga Pilipino pag malapit na ang Araw ng mga Patay, tuwang tuwa ka naming panoorin. Hindi ba niya alam na kabastos bastos para sa mga kaluluwa na gawin silang nakakatakot? Adik ba siya? Yung unang taong ang sagot, malamang, para lang siguro sa rating. Yung pangalawa… hindi ko alam.

Sinabi kasi ng kaofficemate ko ang pangyayari sa bahay nila kelan lang. Sabi ng yaya ng anak nila na may nakikita daw siya na lalaking nakaitim sa kusina nila pag gabi. Mas pinaganda pa niya ang kwento, malapit na daw kasi ang araw ng mga patay kaya daw lumalabas na ang mga kaluluwa. Tanong naman ng kaofficemate ko “Bakit alam nila na November 1 na?”. Hindi na daw nakasagot…  Siguro kung aamin si Noli de Castro na adik siya, ipagkakalat ng yaya niya na mas mabisa ang katol sa kahit anumang addictive drugs.

Life’s Complexity and Simplicity

If I have the option to go through my life again… would I change it completely? Will there be a lot of things to change? Would I trade some of my memories in order to correct an unpleasant incident? Cause, really saying that you wouldn’t change anything in your life is a total hypocrisy. I mean… would you rather not change an event that caused you heartbreak, lost keys, getting rob, mutilated… Given a chance… I think there are plenty of things that I might change… But if we can go back…would I still be interested in living my present life when I am so busy changing my past?

Anyway, life is not at all complicated. You can change nothing for everything has already happened. Maybe the thing that makes living our present lives complicated is the fact that so busy contemplating on our past mistakes and planning for our future.

So I just hope Miami Heat will win this season… So there will be no bets in my past that I’ll be regretting