Stranded

I have a couple of times been stranded. Remember the time when the monsoon rains were rampant and the zagoo stands are all over the metro. The goddamn traffic was so bad at that time, I walked my way from Pasig Rotonda to Sta. Mesa. The good thing about that incident is my parents bought me a cellphone (5110 was the hottest at that time) and made me an instant “call center” (patawag naman sa phone mo!). Or maybe not. So fuck with that…

Another important ability aside from tolerance is the ability to climb like spiderman. It comes handy when your only option to survive is climbing a twelve feet truck or swimming in the flood, avoiding the garbage and probably human shit that you will encounter along the way.

But for the life of me, I have never been stranded because I have no money. Okay.. I have evaded a jeepney driver once on purpose because I’d rather do that than to be humiliated by paying a 1000 bill for a 5 peso fare.

So I loathe those people who will just approach you and ask for fare money. My encounter with these seemingly stupid people leaving their houses without extra moolah is somewhat frequenting. Yeah, I think this is the new hoax. And its irritating. Just last night… someone approached me again asking for a fare… I dunno… maybe the fact that I look nice (ehem) or an easy prey (fucktards!) attracts those losers.

These are the top three incidents with these stranded people

TOP 3: Rescue me my long lost grandchild
Strategy: A smile… a simple smile and smiling back means you’re a target…

Mama: Ako’y manghihingi lang ng konting tulong sa inyo, medyo kinapos kasi ako ng perang pamasahe. Baka may barya kayo jan?

Findings : Judging by Lolo’s japorms… he may have no enough money for a jeepney fare. Also the fact that there’s a pack of cigarette (Marlboro) in his pocket makes me think that he bought that with his fare money.

TOP 2: Rescue me I just been robbed! …. in my dreams!
Strategy: This is a girl maneuver. Maybe because, girls are more charming when in distress which make perverts an easy target. Or the fact that only girls brings fancy bags that can easily be ripped… Slowly, the will approached you and like a ninja slashing someone’s head will immediately talk non-stop:

Victim: Grabe nalaslasan ako. Grabe, Miss baka naman pwedeng makahingi kahit konting barya lang. Grabe, pang-uwi ko lang kasi wala na talaga akong pera. Grabe.

Findings: Grabe. Grabe talaga. But if ever I am in her situation I would also panic… especially if I am claiming to have my valuables lost to a robber who slashed my bag and my bag let see… yeah has no signed of being slashed… I will need money to go to. Mental. Hospital.

TOP 1: Rescue me… I am so rich!!!!!…I don’t need have any valuables!
Strategy: Speaks taglish… those coñotic version ala clueless kinda thing. But mind you he looks like an orc… literally.

RICHKID: Miss is this the only Megamall here. Hey don’t worry, I don’t mean any harm so don’t be scared okay.
Me: Oo…
RICHKID : The Mega A and the Mega B?
Me: Oo (Cool… just when your stomach is grumbling, a retard will come in your way)
RICHKID : I’m suppose to be waiting for my brother kasi, and he’s suppose to be here at 2 o clock in the afternun (Look… it’s 8 p.m. your brother who may also be an orc … might be also as lost as you are…)
Ako: (Approaching boiling point due to hunger) baka nasa unahan
RICHKID : I’ve already been there eh, actually nalibot ko na siya.
Ako: (Oh.. my .. God… I know where exactly this is heading to…)
RICHKID : I really need some help, Can you lend me some money, I’ll pay it tommorow right here (Yeah Right!) I’m a balikbayan kasi and I’ve just been here a week ago, I live in Laguna Bel-Air…. Mga 80 to 100 pesos lang (Nice… there’s a price range… mind if I make tawad????)
Ako: WALLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RICHKID :Okay, anyway… thank you… (at least he has manners)

Findings : No rich individual will be stranded. Trust me.

So, if you ever find yourself stranded… and you need to ask for money. Please… for the love of God, copy the aforementioned incident

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