My collection of retarded stints that I have done in my life can be documented to fit into a 24 volume encyclopedia. I can’t help smiling everytime I remember each one of them. Most of it happened because of my lack of sense of direction. Two-thirds I bet. I have a handful of direction bloopers yet I still can’t recognize left and right. The other 30% is due to my lack of balance. They are funny yes, but humiliating as well so no, I will not convey the details of those moments.

But this one, I think is the weirdest if not the most laughable experience I have ever had:

I used to work for a company that deploys their employees as far as Bontoc(North) and Lamitan(South) to implement software for Rural Banks. Bontoc + Lamitan = Hellhole. Good thing I was stationed in Pampanga. That place would really sound Quiapo to you when your officemates are airplanes away from Manila. I took advantage of that fact and traveled everyday.

But this one time, I was with one of my officemate who was afraid to travel when it’s late. I’ve told her that we will be arriving in Recto at about 9 in the evening and I always came home drunk at three o’clock in the morning and nothing bad ever happen to me, why worry dabah. Besides, I’ve already scheduled a drinking session with my buddies.

So we rode this FX that was waiting for passengers in front of Greenwich. We ride at the back, and there was this two other guys. As the FX started to move, I flashed my wallet to my officemate bragging about my LOTR cards. I put it inside my backpack, told my officemates some jokes, we we laughed and then. [Insert Psycho theme here]

Guywithgun: Walang mag-iingay, ibigay niyo sa amin mga cellphone at wallet niyo.
Other Passengers: [no reactions]
Guywithgun: Cellphone! [snatches the cellphone away from a lady in the middle seat, she was tinkering with her phone that time while the tae holdaper points the gun to her head] wallet!
Guy2: [to my officemate] Cellphone!
Officemate: [Going hysterical] Teka lang po. [Slowly pushed her wallet inside her bag]
Guywithgun: [Going psychic on what my officemate was thinking] Akina yang bag mo [snatches her bag]

Ultimately, they took my officemate’s wallet (it was payday), cellphone and coin purse.

What about me you may ask? Actually, I was thinking the same thing at that time. Really, the other guy was in front of me and he never bothered to ask me for anything. But that was not the funny part. For before they went off, he noticed that they haven’t gotten anything from me yet.

Guy2: Cellphone.
Me: [Smiling like a braggart] Wala po akong cellphone! (I was being honest for my cellphone at that time was recently stolen)
Guywithgun: [Not happy with what they have taken from the passengers] Alahas, mga alahas niyo.
Guy2: [Addressing me] Ikaw wallet!

Before I continue with my story, I would like to preemp it by saying that I know it was a matter of life and dead situation. But the idea of giving half of my month’s earning to tae holdapers is another thing. If they are stupid enough to believe my words regarding my cellphone, they’ll also buy the fact that I don’t have a wallet with me. By the way, I forgot that I was flashing my wallet before the holdup was declared. Let’s move on…

Me: [Probing my bag for any important or valuable thing to give them instead of my wallet] Wala po eh…(Crap what should I give them… AHA!) eto na lang po.

Guy2: [Takes the thing that I have given to him and then throws it away looks at my officemate] Ikaw alahas mo!

Officemate: [Really hysterical] Eto na po! Eto na po [Gives her bracelet]

Guywithgun: [Pissed at my officemate’s hysteria] Tumahimik ka jan! anong tinitingin tingin mo sa labas! Ha? Ha? Kwintas mo.

This time, I felt sorry for my officemate. But I also wanted to stuff her mouth with brownies that I bought from pampanga so the hold uppers wouldn’t notice her.

Officemate: Wala po! Wala po akong tinitingnan!

Guywithgun: Kwintas mo!!!? May kwintas ka????!!!!!!!.

Me: [Pretending to look for a necklace, I found one, but she have lost an ample amount of valuables that I couldn’t bring myself to remove it] Wala po siyang kwintas.

Guywithgun: Walang sisilip sa labas. Bago umakyat ng flyover babababa kami tapos paharurutin niyo tong sasakyan kung hindi babarilin ko kayo.

I was fascinated that they believed everything that I’ve told them. It was over but I was still shaking when I went home. I borrowed my boardmate’s cellphone to text my drinking buddies that I won’t be able to make it because of the incident.

Then our phone rang. It was my drinking buddy,

Drinking Buddy: Anong nangyari? Anong nakuha sa inyo?
Me: Naholdap nga. Ke Sheila cellphone wallet bracelet.
Drinking Buddy: Sayo?
Me: Bond Paper.
Drinking Buddy:……
Toot toot toot toot

Yes I gave a piece of bond paper that I’ve used to take notes of the bugs that we need to fix to the tae holdapers. And yes, he took it, read it and throw it afterwards.


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