Bad Habits are the Hardest to Break

Aside from smoking, which I’ve considered a habit instead of addiction (Addict NEEDS nicotine, I just WANT it to waste some time) there was a long list of bad habits that I’m finding it hard to break away from.

One fine example is me, being a total party pooper. I’ve always tried to ruined basically every good date I’ve had with my bf and all my exes. Maybe I am this emotional person that craves endless disputes and drama to feel that she is really a human capable of getting hurt and all that jazz, who cares I just do it for teh kicks. Just like this morning, we were happy, talking about our job and laptops and then I had this desire to bring up a subject regarding his ex, the slut (Come on! I am not being bad here, I know most of you have an ex who falls to that same category or been one in one of your relationship). He answered and then briefly commented that:

Why do you always do that? You know the answer to that question, you know you’ll be sad and grumpy after talking about her so why brought her up? You always do that when we’re enjoying our time! I really don’t get you sometimes.

Answer: I don’t get me either. I’m actually surprised that he noticed that. The truth is, he made me aware that I AM indeed doing it. Happiness makes me feel I am in dreamland which is always a no-no for me, I might unconsciously bring a topic that will surely send me to earth. But who cares anyway.

Second. I am really a secretive person. Okay so I have poured out all my emotions here in my blog even the most gruesome ones but I never poured out my REAL emotions to ANYONE. Usually my conversation goes out like this:

I saying:
Maybe he feels inadequate that is why he don’t have the courage to take on the job.

What I really think:
He’s a moron, he’s just afraid that everybody’s gonna caught him being so.

One person commented he can’t believed that I, being a ruthless bitch when it comes to trash talks, needs alcohol in order to confide something that he thinks I can say to anyone’s face. This habit of mine consists of uplifting someone else’s morale that oftentimes gives confidence boost. Which mainly the purpose of doing such but it will oftentimes end with that someone’s overconfidence without realizing that he really sucked.

Third. I am revengeful. I can’t sleep at night without thinking of plots of ruining someone who’ve done me wrong. Okay, maybe not that revengeful but something like:

Friend A, dislikes it when someone talks behind his back or whispers shit about him that he can barely understand. Being uber close to him, I used this info to tick him off one time. This Friend A, destroyed my ego because of a stupid mathematical equation I formulated which turned out to be wrong. But it turns out, he didn’t get it right either when he tried it out. To return the favor, I mum something, he asked about it, I said nothing then I continued with my-talking-to-myself-about-how-stupid-his-idea-is… He shouted at me saying that I am one immature human being and that I should grow up. Actually, I am in no position to question him because he’s my boss and the mumming is really uncalled for, and yet because I wanted revenge, we both got angry with each other the whole night.

I also, as demonstrated in aforementioned scenario, have a very bad habit of having to prove my point. No matter what the scenario is, I MUST PROVE THAT I AM RIGHT. I’M RIGHT. I AM RIGHT. I sly kind a way and without arguments. I am always RIGHT. To which my partner always check me with a stinging remark of:

Ayan ka na naman umaandar na naman yang GOD COMPLEX mo.

Bad Habits feels good. You wanted to throw them into garbage but then the moment the bag touches the garbage can, I find myself asking, what is left of me when I threw this out?


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